Literally took 15 minutes in the morning to make a beautiful fresh quinoa lunch. :-) good morning!!!
I used to be that girl who would try to seduce my boyfriend away from his gym sessions with endearing puppy eyes, just so we can go to the movies.
Then after the date when we’re both back home, I’d insist on talking on the phone for 3 hours until we fall asleep together.
My life consisted on being a really stellar student. Full stop. I didn’t have a passion beyond my books. I didn’t work out. I didn’t volunteer, I didn’t do anything else but study. So, I relied on the boyfriend for my social escape.
That was shit unhealthy.
But so is my 180 switch to being the one who seriously doesn’t give a fuck. It’s usually a good thing if it simply implies that you’re independent, and have a really vibrant life — that when you date a man, he’s a bonus, but without him, you’d do just as well.
But I’ve taken it to an unnecessary stage. One where I’d ignore the shit out of the dude on purpose just to make a statement - I don’t need you.
Since when is needing a disease?
Oh wait, the stupid games that we human like to play. The power-love push-pull, oh you need me? I win - games.
Then it’s not as if I’m sitting around waiting for a dude to text me. I literally have conditioned myself to not give a fuck. This does NOT mean I’m not hurting. Fuck, it hurts (sometimes at least).
And sometimes, I run along into those thoughtcatlogy articles that sort of help me lie to myself that it’s okay to care. Wrong-o.
Nothing wrong with those advices. It IS okay to care.
When you’ve been with a dude who who’ve dated for a year, and he’s STILL embarrassed to introduce you to his friends — I think it really fucks you up with rejection issues. And (this may be TMI), but I’ve been a victim of post shag “oh, baby but I only see you like a baby sister…….. call you next year” kind of bs.
This is just the cream of my bullshit pie. Hell I know it’s unhealthy for me to let my past dictate how I live my life forever. But this is the way I protect myself.
I’m not going to take revenge on men, don’t get me wrong. But I’d go the extra mile to remind you that with or without you — my life’s going to be amazing (even when I really want you to spoon me to sleep tonight).
It’s not the happiest way to live your life, I promise. I’m not advocating being this forever-in-control woman who has all her shit together, no emotions, no outbursts… but this is the only way I’ve learnt to protect myself.
Have you ever curled up in a ball crying, feeling hollowed and worthless… because an asshole you liked for the longest time told his friend to tell you that you were too ugly to be seen together with?
10+ years of that bullshit is why I’d choose to live safe, that being the one who cares too much is just not worth the pain.
If I smell an impending heartbreak, I’m exiting before the 2nd drink.
One day, I’d let go and live.
But for now, this is my war. A war I know many of you are going through. So here’s me saying that it’s okay.
We make choices for the way we live.
As long as it keeps us breathing — I say, have the courage to do it your way.